


night lights

by yetnotyet



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Cutting, F/F, chuulip - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 08:43:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20337322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yetnotyet/pseuds/yetnotyet
Summary: Jiwoo hurts herself.





	night lights

**Author's Note:**

> fair warning, folks: this story has mentions/depictions of self-harm and suicide. if that's too much for you, please don't read.
> 
> thanks.

When her father wasn't home, Jiwoo stood waiting by the window on the second floor of the house, staring at the moderately lit street with light posts sprinkled here and there. But she would never come by, at least not after what had happened. For Jiwoo, the regret hurt more than anything else, but her pride just would not allow her to fix her mistake, and just like that, she awaited for a miracle that would probably never happen.

Jungeun was never going to forgive her. Jiwoo was sure of it.

Their story was a happy one before she ruined everything. Jungeun stuck by her side even after hearing about the suicide attempt, and for many months, she was her support pillar, stopping everything from crashing down completely.

Jungeun was the first person to understand Jiwoo's issues were not ephemeral or part of the teen phase, but something else - deep rooted into her being. And when she visited her room, her eyes sparkling over some mundane topic, she learned that no one would love her as much as Jungeun loved her.

She remembered vividly how they had met; only a coincidence. Jiwoo needed a tutor or else her grades would tank, and Jungeun was a star student who needed the cash.

They would see each other at the library or at each other's house, and soon the library was dropped entirely. It just wasn't as cozy, she supposed.

It did not take a long time for them to build a friendship. Jiwoo would usually just get things done by herself - spending too much time with others made her unbelievably cranky and she'd rather spare herself the torture. But no such humor sparked from hanging out with Jungeun, even as the hours together tallied longer and longer.

Jungeun just didn't seem to care about Jiwoo's snarky reputation. Every time someone would ask her why she hung out with Jiwoo, her answer was the same.

"I like seeing her smile."

And they continued hanging out.

It wasn't hard to find one if you knew where the other one was. If Jungeun was absent from school, Jiwoo definitely knew the reason.

"She's sick. I'm visiting her after class."

And if Jiwoo was absent, then so was Jungeun. Because there was something… different, about Jiwoo. And such difference was no good for her.

It was one of those days. One of the days when Jiwoo's suicidal ideation just wouldn't settle down. And so, she would fish out a tiny little plastic box full of blades she removed from pencil sharpeners. One of the days when she would only manage to text one word to Jungeun, and that one word was enough for the girl to come rushing out to find her.

**jiwoo:** _help._

And Jiwoo would lock the door to her room, and cut her wrist. Horizontal lines that she would cover later with long sleeves, or a watch, or anything else. The pain wasn't too bad; she actually preferred it to the pain stemming from her thoughts. The blood would drip down and she would just wipe it off and keep going. She didn't know why doing that gave her the relief it did.

But then, Jungeun would knock, the special knock only she knew. Jiwoo would get up, leaving the blade behind, feeling the blood sliding down her arm, and open the door silently.

"_I'm sorry.._" she would whisper, only a shadow of the loud voice Jungeun knew. Jiwoo would silently cry, because she didn't want to bother anyone else, letting the tears stream down her face as Jungeun cleaned and bandaged the deep cuts.

Those days were not extremely frequent, but whenever they came, they were _bad_. Jiwoo wanted them gone as much as Jungeun did, but she couldn't bring herself to ask for help to her parents. She was just too afraid they would lock her in some scary facility and she would never be able to see Jungeun again.

But those days also awakened her to a realisation. That what they had was never just friendship. That Jungeun actually _liked_, liked her. Even with the scary thoughts inside her.

Jiwoo was covering her scars, as usual. She was waiting for Jungeun to come back from the kitchen so they could start their old movie marathon. Finally, the girl walked in and settled next to her, putting the popcorn aside for a moment.

"Jungeun?" She called in a low voice, somehow still managing to have doubts in her head.

"Yeah?" Jungeun looked at her for a brief moment, failing to see the way Jiwoo's eyes were quivering.

"Why did you do that?" Jiwoo held her breath, waiting for Jungeun to meet her eyes again.

"Do what?" She finally did. _And she was… smiling?_

"Say that you like seeing me smile."

Jiwoo could barely get the words out.

"Because.. I love you."

Jungeun grabbed her hand, intertwining their fingers together. It was a simple movement, but also something that just changed everything in such a major way. Jiwoo kissed her first, because she was too afraid to miss the chance and regret it later. And Jungeun kissed her back, as well as she could.

Their touches were slightly rushed, juvenile, as with any pair of teenagers who don't know exactly what they're doing. Nonetheless, feelings were guiding them as well as any amount of experience and every time Jungeun kissed _any_ part of her skin it caused such intense warmth that it reminded her of when she was sick at the hospital and with the most horrible fever of her life. But it was so easy to forget everything else, everything _bad_ when Jiwoo could just feel Jungeun tracing her lips through her skin, kissing and caressing her wrists without even a single reminder of the scars in them.

Jiwoo couldn't remember a time in her life when she felt this way. It was the most effective therapy she had ever done. Like Jungeun's kisses were the cure; like the pain was never there to begin with.

The clumsy way she took off her clothes made her laugh, but that smile was easily silenced by her mouth and Jiwoo had nothing to complain about.

And she didn't drag behind, being as active as Jungeun herself, throwing her body on hers, feeling some type of courage that Jiwoo didn't know the origins of. But it was there, and she would definitely make use of it.

Her fingers slipped easily under her shirt, the other pieces of clothing thrown around without a care because in that moment, it was the thing that mattered the least.

Because Jiwoo knew Jungeun was the only one that mattered. Something was telling her so. A feeling so strong as any she had ever felt before - but for the first time, Jiwoo was feeling warm, warm on Jungeun's light.

Jungeun had never looked so turned on, but at the same time, so in control. She wanted to take it easy, exploring Jiwoo's body until she had memorized every part. She wanted to tease her until Jiwoo was begging for it with every muscle in her body.

She wanted to kiss her scars until they were no more, she wished to heal her pain and push happiness in its place. She wanted to tattoo smiles on her skin until Jiwoo had no choice but to smile.

Their mouths found each other as Jungeun pinned Jiwoo's wrists back, holding her in a prison from which she wished to never escape.

The pair of lips that usually would just ask questions in flash cards was now writing poems in her skin. The teeth that always appeared in her smile when Jiwoo got a question right were now gently nibbling her neck and leaving marks.

The pale and sickly skin was now reddened with all the constant, intimate contact; Jungeun's tongue fiercely wrestling hers as pleasure increased like a bottle of water being filled to the brim. A coarse, loud and final moan tinted the air of the room along with untimed breaths.

And then, it was Jungeun's turn. With a pump of the wrist, she was already at Jiwoo's mercy. It didn't take long for her to turn into gelatine on her fingers.

The room, now calm and rather peaceful, was only lit by the moonlight flooding through the window. The two girls were in a tight embrace, a thin white sheet covering their bodies.

"Jungeun."

"Hm?"

"Let's run away. Let's leave this place, you and me."

"That would be nice, if it didn't sound crazy." Jungeun was slowly brushing her fingers through Jiwoo's hair, a faint smile on her lips.

"I'm serious. Let's just… leave this all behind." Jiwoo turned to stare at Jungeun, completely serious.

"Jiwoo..."

"Jungeun!" Jiwoo lifted the girl's chin with her hand, feeling a kind of happiness she had never felt before. "It's just you and me. We could go anywhere."

She kissed her, and even as Jungeun kissed her back, the girl wasn't at all happy with the idea.

"You're really serious about this, aren't you?" Jungeun asked, and the answer came quickly as a nod and a smile. "Look, Jiwoo… I would run away with you any day of the week, but what would happen later? We're just teens, it wouldn't work."

The happiness in the girl's face shrunk considerably, and Jungeun realised she couldn't just throw truth bombs at Jiwoo, especially knowing how she was; sensitive and susceptible to bad things. _Really bad things._

"Why are you doing this? We won't… you're sending me back to the hospital, aren't you? Just like my dad!" The girl screamed. That was something she regretted now, but it was too late to take back. Too little too late.

Jungeun got up as quick as lightning, fetching her clothes from the ground, silent and hurt. She got dressed just as silent, the only sounds coming from her being the ones of zippers and buttons being done.

"Jungeun… I.."

But Jungeun was no longer willing to listen. With the last bit of willpower she had, she opened the door and vanished after clicking it shut.

[...]

Jungeun stopped talking to Jiwoo, but she never stopped thinking about her. It was just the contrary - the girl popped up in her head even more frequently than she usually would, and Jungeun just couldn't stand the thought that Jiwoo would cut herself again. But her words were still echoing in her brain, chasing away her sleep. How could she ever think Jungeun would do such a thing? _Send her back to the hospital?_ How could she for a minute consider that as a possibility?

But it was okay. The lack of Jiwoo could be dealt with, even if it ached tremendously. Even if the love she felt for her was killing her every day, she could handle it. Even if remembering felt the same as getting stabbed repeatedly. Even if her heart was consumed by Jiwoo.

Seeing Jiwoo in her dreams was painful enough. But they still studied in the same school, making everything even harder. Jungeun tried to pretend she didn't know her, but it was clear no one was buying that shit. So - she avoided her as long as possible. Every time Jiwoo crossed the hallways, Jungeun would swerve and change directions, hiding in her hoodie, her eyes starting to tear up.

[...]

Jiwoo just couldn't go through the day without at least making one small cut in her wrist. But even after the first mark, her hands would tremble and the sharp blade would slip through her fingers, her mind enveloping everything with the memories of Jungeun helping her, getting rid of the blades, bandaging her wrists. And she didn't have the will to do it again after that.

Even as far away as she was, Jungeun was still desperately close to her heart, and Jiwoo didn't know how to feel about it.

She rarely saw her these days. Only glimpses of Jungeun reached her eyes, and by the time she could identify the girl, she was already gone. Hidden and untraceable. She slipped through her fingers just like that, like the blood-stained blade she insisted to pick up. Jungeun wouldn't even let her explain herself or apologize. Fear had embraced Jiwoo the second after Jungeun disappeared behind the door.

Everyday, it was hard to think of a future without her when a smile used to be the best part of her day. Jiwoo kept staring at the street from the window, knowing the girl's house was a few blocks away. She wondered if Jungeun still went out for jogs, if she at least spared a glance to the door to Jiwoo's house as she passed by. Jiwoo just didn't know what to do, how to act. Her light had left her.

She got up from the chair, unfocusing her stare from the sidewalk outside. On the street, Jungeun was slowly walking by, her energy gone after half an hour of running. Jungeun looked up at the window, seeing Jiwoo's back - _she was sure it was her_ \- as the girl shuffled on her feet with uncertainty. Jungeun walked to the door, raising her hand to ring the doorbell, feeling the nerves suddenly crashing in.

"I shouldn't be doing this..." she muttered to herself, but she didn't walk away.

The door opened, but instead of the familiar sight of Jiwoo, it was Jiwoo's dad standing in the threshold.

"Good night, Jungeun." The man greeted the girl as she took off her earpods, finding his presence suspicious in the least.

"Good night, sir. Is Jiwoo here?" She asked just for asking's sake, already knowing the answer.

"We should have a chat first." He closed the door behind him, walking toward the street without waiting for an answer. Jungeun had no choice but to follow him.

They walked in silence for a few minutes until the man decided to break it.

"You don't know this, but my daughter is not doing well. She's not eating and barely leaves her room. Her grades are dropping back down."

Jungeun's heart aches as she hears it. She wasn't the only one feeling pain.

"Sir, this is what I wanted to talk about-"

"I'm not done. I know the reason she's like this has to do with you. It does not matter. I have no choice but to send her back."

"What? No, wait… you can't do this!" Jungeun couldn't contain her anger. She was just… revolted by the thought.

She hated thinking about having to see Jiwoo stuck in a hospital, trapped in that white, boring world. She just couldn't accept it.

He turned back to her, his eyes staring harshly from head to toe.

"I can. And I will." He finished, an air of finality surrounding him.

Jungeun knew she would not win that fight. She also didn't want to get in his bad side. "Can I see her, at least?"

"For the last time."

They returned to the house, a heavier kind of silence in the air this time. Jungeun was trying to reason the fact that she wouldn't have time. They wouldn't have time together. But she had to try something.

He silently urged her to go up the stairs. She let out a sigh of relief, knowing that he wouldn't barge in on their conversation. Jungeun slowly proceeded upstairs, stopping right in front of Jiwoo's room.

She tried the special knock, but there was zero answer.

Jungeun reached for the knob, and twisted it open. The door wasn't locked. It relieved Jungeun more than she cared to admit.

Jiwoo was lying on her bed, her eyes closed as she listened to music. She didn't even notice Jungeun approaching the bed, the semblance of a smile on her lips.

"Jiwoo." She called, but Jiwoo didn't seem to listen. She reached for her hand slowly, covering it with hers. Jiwoo's eyes sprung open. "Hey."

"Jungeun? What are you doing here?" She sat up, still in disbelief.

"I came to say I'm sorry. I never should have left. I want to be by your side, no matter what. I'm sorry I realised it too late."

Jiwoo's eyes were brimming with tears and she pulled Jungeun in for a hug, throwing her on the bed.

"I'm sorry too. It was dumb of me to think we could run away. I'm sorry for accusing you of-"

"Hey, hey. That's all in the past. Okay?" Jungeun shushed her, lightly caressing her cheek.

"Okay."

She was still holding Jungeun tight as a staring contest commenced, and they couldn't stop smiling at each other. Jiwoo's gaze changed from her eyes, to her lips, and even as she tried to avert her eyes from them, she couldn't do it.

Jungeun smiled wider, which didn't seem possible for her as the corners of her mouth were already at their peak. She brushed Jiwoo's hair away from her face, her fingers touching her skin softly, touching her eyebrows and nose with all the calm in the world. Jungeun held onto her chin, calmly moving her head closer, their lips just inches from each other. She caressed the sides of Jiwoo's face and finally kissed her, her stomach doing somersaults as the kiss got deeper.

Jiwoo backed away for a second just to breath before locking their lips again, pulling Jungeun even closer. Their hips were aligned as Jungeun was now on top of her, gently touching the tip of her tongue with her own, her hands grabbing a bunch of her hair and going down her neck.

The air coming out from Jiwoo's mouth was cloudy as Jungeun left flaming kisses on her neck. She let out a low moan when her lips sucked on the spot right under her ear, and she had to pull Jungeun back to her lips.

"This is nice," the girl muttered against Jiwoo's lips and brushed her nose against hers. "but we should talk."

Jiwoo was a little scared at first, but as she intertwined her hands with Jungeun's, receiving a sweet smile, it helped calm her down.

Jungeun sat up from basically being a top and pulled Jiwoo up with her. Their hands, however, were still very much together. "There's something you need to know."

"What?"

Jungeun slowly drew lines and hoops on the back of Jiwoo's hand with her fingers, trying to figure out how to say it. She couldn't meet Jiwoo's eyes right away; it took her some time.

"Your dad, he… he's sending you back to the hospital." There was no relief or happiness in her voice.

"I… I saw this coming." Jiwoo's eyes started to water involuntarily. She hated having to say goodbye, particularly after they had just made up. She didn't want to say goodbye, not now. "What are we gonna do, Jungeun? I- I don't know what to do..."

She let the tears fall, resting her head on Jungeun's shoulder.

"I don't know," Jungeun held her tight, her brain going haywire. _There must be something I can do…_ "he's not gonna let me see you, that's for sure.." even as her words probably were hurting more than helping, she needed to be honest.

Jiwoo turned to Jungeun again, staring at her with such need she had never seen before. "I need you." Her voice was only but a whisper, her fragility coming on a hundred percent.

"I won't leave you alone. I'll fight for you, even if I have to sneak in." Jungeun had a small smile as she wiped Jiwoo's tears.

"You promise?" The girl stared deep, deeper into Jungeun's eyes, her heart steadily beating for hope.

"I promise." And she kissed her again, a slower but passionate kiss, and it was comfort that it gave to both of them.

[...]

Lying down in a hospital bed for hours and hours wasn't her particular go-to idea for fun, but as it turned out, today was her lucky day; her dad had to work through the whole day and wouldn't be able to stick to her side like gum. It meant something great; Jungeun would be able to visit her.

A couple of days before Jiwoo was admitted to the suicide-risk zone, she and Jungeun had assembled a plan together - Jungeun would register herself in the visitor list with another student's help, and like that, Jiwoo's dad wouldn't be able to block her. Besides, fortunately the staff and nurses watching over Jiwoo weren't too strict.

The door to the room opened slowly. "Jiwoo, there's a visitor for you." The nurse cleared the way, revealing Jungeun. She was out of breath, slowly taking off her backpack. The nurse curiously shook her head, and left, closing the door behind her.

"I came running after school. I didn't even bother going home." The girl smiled, trying to smooth out the creases in her clothes before approaching Jiwoo to give her a hug. They both relaxed in each other's arms. "How are you?" She leaned back to meet Jiwoo's eyes, and the girl was really smiling wide.

Jiwoo didn't answer the question, preferring to let her mouth find hers, hands drawing Jungeun closer, sliding her fingers on the back of her neck.

"Uhm… Jiwoo.." Jungeun let out a sharp breath when the girl's lips found her neck.

"Sorry..." Jiwoo stopped, a little embarrassed. "I just… I miss you."

"I know that." Jungeun smiled, slowly caressing Jiwoo's face. "I miss you too."

The girl smiled, patting the empty space in the bed. "Lie down with me. I have a TV all for myself, we can watch a movie."

"Are you sure we're just watching a movie?" Jungeun asked, her eyebrows raised and a suspicious, but teasing smile on her lips.

"Jungeun!"

"Kidding… I'm just kidding." She laughed, finally climbing onto the bed and taking the space next to the girl.

"How is school?" Jiwoo cuddled closer, idly browsing through the channels with the controller.

"Same old. People keep asking what happened to you. I don't know if they actually care, or if they're just curious." Jungeun was annoyed, because most of the questions were obviously directed at her. But she could handle it.

"It doesn't matter. You're here."

Jiwoo smiled at her, closing her eyes as Jungeun touched her face, tracing the lines on her skin. She let her take her hand, knowing that she was looking at the scars, a bunch of mismatched white lines on her wrist. "Are the… are the thoughts still there?"

"I don't know if they're ever going away." Jiwoo muttered, sighing. "But I think I can manage them better now. I know what to do."

"I'm happy for you, Jiwoo."

Jiwoo stared deeply into Jungeun's eyes, as if she was thanking her. She locked their lips as if she was sealing this thought forever, as if she was searing it into her buried memories. Jiwoo's lips tasted like stars, the ones high above when the sky was dark and as they were lying side by side on the bed, one of them teaching and the other trying to learn as best as she could. And if Jiwoo was the immense, starry sky, then Jungeun was the moon. And both of them shined when everything else was dark, and they fitted together without needing an explanation for it.

Just like night lights.


End file.
